By Stan Welch – Well, I think I’ve waited long enough.
I, Stan Welch, hereby declare my candidacy, as an independent, for the Presidency of the United States of America.
I’m tired of hearing all these hard nose conservatives whine because Mitt Romney isn’t radical enough for them. And lord knows we can’t survive four more years of Alfred E. Obama.
So this is what I promise, if elected President.
First and foremost, within ninety days of my inauguration, all remote controls in America will be standard. If the remote control manufacturers won’t get in line, I will appoint a remote control czar to make this happen.
That czar will be a 14 year old, because any 14 year old in the country could standardize remote controls on a rainy Saturday afternoon, for crying out loud. Sunday afternoon, the czar can standardize cell phone key pads.
Speaking of czars, all of those appointed by President Alfred E. will have 48 hours to get out of their offices.
Secondly, all shows such as The View, Maury Povich, The Talk, Judge Judy, and Dr. Phil will all be pay per view. The entire Oprah channel will be pay per view.
Next, I will repeal Obamacare, except for the members of the United States Congress, who will surrender their current system and adopt this one. Let’s see how you guys like it.
Then, I will make all elevator and “on hold” music Allman Brothers and Lyle Lovett.
I will reestablish the American borders, north and south, and remind the world that we are the United States of America, not of North America. You want in? Knock on the door and ask nicely. We have plenty of room for those who earn it.
I will ask Congress – hopefully one that is under Republican control again – to reduce regulations on the energy producing industry, while increasing the penalties imposed when they do screw up. Energy security will be the highest priority and I will seek a second term only so that I can be President when we tell the Arabs to kiss our American eagle.
Welfare recipients will be required to give urine samples for drug testing at least once a month, and will be allowed basic cable and basic cable only. Hey! I’m not heartless. Also, birth control will be mandatory and its use verified.
Workfare will be reinstituted immediately and across the nation. You can babysit for working mothers, pick up trash along the highway, or serve soup at the local shelter; but you’re going to chip in somehow.
Speaking of drug testing, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi will have specimen jars delivered to their offices while I am giving my inaugural speech.
As President, I may occasionally apologize for my actions, but I will never apologize for this country – to anyone. We are the greatest nation in the history of this planet – bar NONE – and we will be again. I will bow to no king or dictator.
I will protect the rights of all American citizens – note that word, please – but will not extend those rights to our enemies, simply because they made it to our shores. Gay Americans will receive exactly the same rights and protections that other Americans do, and not one jot more. Marriage is not a right. Neither is parenthood, especially in the absence of even the most basic participation.
As for my tax returns, I’ll keep it simple. I have always done everything possible within the law to pay as little or no taxes as possible. That is the American way, and I am deeply suspicious of anyone who says they would be willing to pay more taxes. If you feel that way, go ahead. No need to drag the rest of us into it.
I will make it illegal to put mayonnaise on hot dogs unless it is part of the cole slaw. Otherwise, that’s just nasty.
Seems to me that’s enough for folks to make a decision.
Oh, and every Wednesday will be “Kiss a Chick-Fil-A Sandwich Day”.
My name is Stan Welch and I approve this message.
