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By BEN HOMEYER
Every year, Gallup asks people how much confidence they have in various institutions. The results aren’t surprising. Only 8 percent had “a great deal” or “quite a lot” of confidence in Congress. Big business scored 21 percent. That’s no better than TV news. Small business, on the other hand, came in second with 67 percent of respondents considering it trustworthy. Only the U.S. military scored higher.
One day I was at a fast food restaurant eating my lunch and watching others doing the same. Finally I noticed an older couple sitting over in the corner by themselves. The man was quietly watching his wife eat her lunch but he wasn’t eating anything. I kept watching them the whole time I was eating my lunch. The older gentleman just sat there patiently watching his wife eat her lunch. I had never seen any man that would come to a restaurant, sit with his wife at any age and watch her eat. So being the curious guy that I am, I had to go over to the couple’s table and say how impressed I was at the older gentleman’s actions. When I got to their table I introduced myself to them and then began to tell them how impressed I was to see the husband just sit and watch his wife eat. The husband looked up at me in amazement and said, “I’m just waiting on her to finish eating so I can use her teeth.”
This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic Ocean.
“If you look out the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. “If you look out the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. “If you look down toward the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
“That’s me, the copilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recording.”
A farmer gets sent to jail on some made up charges, that he is innocent of, and his wife is trying to hold the farm together until her husband can get the charges dropped and get out of jail. She’s not, however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to him in jail: “Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes. When is the best time to do it ?”
The farmer writes back: “Honey, don’t go near that field. That’s where all my guns are buried.”
But, because he is in jail all of the farmer’s mail is censored. So when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they don’t find a single weapon.
The farmer then writes to his wife: “Honey, now is when you should plant the potatoes.”
A man stopped at a local gas station to fill his car up with gas. Afterward he was standing by his car drinking a Pepsi and watching a couple of men working beside the road. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on down the road about 25 feet and repeat the process. The other man came along behind him and was filling in the hole while the other man was digging the next one. The guy with the Pepsi watched this confusing sight for a while until he couldn’t take it any longer. “Hold it, hold it,” the man said to the two workers. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging and filling in the hole with the same dirt?”
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David and his family went to the local pet store to buy a pet. The children wanted a puppy and the wife fell in love with a little kitten but David saw a beautiful parrot. The parrot was in a cage way in the back of the store almost hidden. So David asked the store clerk if the parrot was for sale and the clerk said, “The parrot had been sold a few weeks ago but the man brought him back because the parrot kept using bad words.”
(Editor’s Note – Stan Welch’s Seem to Me column appears weekly on the opinion page of The Journal. This one is a day early for your enjoyment, or dismay, before or instead of watching the Democratic debate tonight)
By Stan Welch
I usually write this column on Tuesday, since the events of the day often lead to my choice of topic. I had considered not writing this specific one until tomorrow, Wednesday, even though that is press day, and I would really have to hustle to get it in. I was going to wait until then because the first Democratic presidential debate is going to be on television Tuesday night.
But the more I thought about it, the less reason I saw to delay. I mean, it’s not like Hillary or Bernie or those other two guys whose pictures are on the milk cartons are going to say anything new. The fact is that the liberal Democrats haven’t had anything new to say in a quarter century. And there is no other kind of Democrat.
So desperate is the DNC that they are giving Uncle Joe Biden until six o’clock tonight to show up if he wants to. This, of course, is despite the fact that he has yet to decide and declare officially that he is running. This is an absolutely unprecedented accommodation by the Democratic Party, and is a remarkable sign of weakness.
With that said, here’s a brief viewing guide for tonight’s debate.
Ask a Democrat any question about domestic American policy and their answer is short and simple: more government. Got a problem? Print a bunch of worthless money and throw it at the problem.
There were these two guys (Frank and Earl) that crossed over the river from Kentucky to Ohio looking for work. They finally find a place of business and they fill out an application each. The manager approves their applications and informs them that they have to pass an oral test to be hired. With that said the manager leaves the room to get ready for the test. Frank, being the brighter of the two, turned to his friend and said, “Look, Earl, we both know you ain’t the brightest crayon in the box, so I’m going to take the test first and I’ll tell you the answers so we both get jobs.” Earl gives a “Yep, ok.”
David was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and David just bounced from one relationship to the next. Finally a friend asked him, “What’s the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you That particular? Can’t you find anyone who suits you?”
“No,” David replied. “I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them. So I keep on looking!” “Listen,” his friend suggested, “Why don’t you find a girl who’s just like your dear old mother?”
Many weeks pased before David and his friend got together again.
“So David, did you find the perfect girl yet? One that’s just like your mother?” David shrugged his shoulders, “Yes, I found one just like mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends.” “Excellent!!! So, are you and this girl engaged, yet?” “I’m afraid not. My father can’t stand her!”
A farmer went to his church for the Sunday evening service and no one showed up but himself and the preacher. They both waited for a while and no one else came so his pastor asked him what he wanted to do. The farmer said all I know is if I go out to feed my cows and only one shows up I feed him. So his preacher said ok, have a seat and I will go to the pulpit. The preacher went to pulpit got out his bible and began preaching. He preached and preached and preached for over an hour and finally he finished. After he came down from the pulpit to where the farmer was he asked him what he thought. The farmer said you know you asked me what we should do and I said that if I went out to feed my cows and only one showed up I would feed him, the preacher said yes I remember. The farmer said what I didn’t tell you was that if I was going to feed that one cow I would NOT give him the whole truck load!
Note Stan Welch’s Seems to Me column can be found each week in The Journal.
By Stan Welch
Well, I suppose Donald Trump’s campaign organization should be grateful to Dr. Ben Carson for giving their candidate a break from being on the media bull’s eye for a while at least. It isn’t easy to shove the Donald out of the spotlight, but Dr. Carson did it with one hand tied behind his back.
How? Why, he simply answered one question, and the latest media feeding frenzy was on. Dr. Carson was asked if he could support a practicing Muslim for president of the United States. One can only suppose that this question, asked during an election cycle in which a Muslim is about the only type of candidate that isn’t already running, is a result of Trump’s failure to defend Obama when a citizen at a Trump campaign event called the current president a Muslim.
A man observed a woman in a grocery store with a three year old girl in her grocery cart. As they passed the cookie section, the girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, “No.” The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly , “Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.” He passed the mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there Ellen, don’t cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we’ll be checking out.” The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to ask for chewing gum and burst out into a terrible tantrum upon finding out that there would be no chewing gum for her today. The mother patiently said, “Ellen, we’ll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.” The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the women to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen.” The mother broke in, “My little girl’s name is Tammy…I’m Ellen.”
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol. “Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said. The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” “He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled. The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?” The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?” The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!” The woman then gave the officer her license. “I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.” The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?” The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”